It's 9:30pm and I'm sitting on the couch reading a book, my lamp casting a circle of light on the page. Soft music is playing and my cats are both curled up with me. My peaceful mood is interrupted when the doorbell rings from downstairs. I'm not expecting anyone so I quickly turn off the light and the music and double check to make sure my doors are locked. After placing a chair under the doorknob, I wait in the dark for whatever will follow.
One night, two months ago, after double checking the locks on the doors, I went to bed. At 1:30am, I woke in a panic fearing I had left the doors unlocked. Finding them secure, I returned to bed and fell asleep only to waken at 2am to the sound of someone rattling my front door knob. Silently, I moved to the center of the living room, crouching on the floor as I debated whether or not to call the police. He would be gone by the time they arrived and so far they had been less than concerned. Footsteps trailed down the hall to my back door. I could hear him as he fruitlessly tried the door knob. I stayed where I was, as he turned and again came down the hall to my front door. Watching the shadow of his feet under the door, I listened as he rattled the doorknob and leaned against the door, then stepped back, only to grasp the handle again. Pulling my attention back into my body, where I knelt on the floor, I realized that I had my arms wrapped around my body and I was rocking back and forth as tears silently slid down my cheeks. That was the moment I decided to buy a gun.
I am being stalked. The stalker's name is Michael McCarty and I hardly know him, yet he has been harassing, threatening and stalking me since September of '95. It's difficult for me to curl my fingers to the keys and write these words -- even more difficult to say them aloud. For months I didn't tell anyone, only talking about it with those who were already aware of the situation. Like other victims before me, I tried to deal with it myself. In the process, I lost weight, developed insomnia and became hypervigilent. My work as a writer has suffered, I find myself sitting in front of the computer blanking out. Often I have difficulty concentrating and I have lost thousands of dollars worth of writing assignments. I began to keep a low profile, rarely answered the phone and stopped initiating contact with people. My circle of friends grew smaller and smaller until my life consisted of going from work to home and back again.
Most people have heard of stalking, either through accounts in the newspaper or because stalking is a popular component of television dramas and films. Laws have been passed acknowledging stalking is a crime in its own right and careers, such as that of Gavin DeBecker, have been built around assessing the risk of a stalker to his victim and educating the public on staying safe in a stalking situation.
But, the public is never told two things that a victim quickly discovers: the California stalking law - the first of its kind - gives incredible latitude to the stalker and despite good intentions is useless at protecting victims of all but the most violent stalkers. Secondly, the victim cannot rely on the police, the District Attorney or the Courts to protect her. The victim must become proactive and take responsibility for her own survival.
I was given the same advice other women are given. I was told to change my number or get an unlisted phone, to stay off of the internet, to move, to stay inside - all of the standard pieces of wisdom. I was told to let the police, the District Attorney and the Courts handle the situation.
While some of the advice is simple common sense, it all works together to further victimize the victim instead of empowering us. We must educate ourselves and others. We must be willing to push for the right to live in peace. That sometimes means demanding that the officials do what is already authorized by law. For instance, although a warrant was issued for the McCarty's arrest, he was sent a letter and given a month to turn himself in even though the officers are authorized to arrest him at any time after a warrant has been issued. I had to push in order to make it happen. Every day they dawdled I knew I was at risk.
Of the estimated 200,000 stalking victims each year, figures show nearly 80 percent of them are women. An estimated two -thirds of them are being stalked by an ex husband or former lover. Legally, these cases fall under the mantle of domestic violence. After years of educating the system by victims, these cases are being handled with more understanding and compassion for the victim. Both the police and the courts have gotten more assertive with their treatment of the stalker.
Unfortunately for those victims, like myself, who do not neatly fall into the domestic violence category, the official attitude is often indifference, though the danger and risk are the same. For instance, a victim of domestic violence can immediately get a restraining order and have it served in every jurisdiction necessary. In my case, it took a week and a half to obtain a restraining order and I had to serve it myself. Then, there was the police officer who asked me if this was a domestic case and when I told him it wasn't said, "Well, it doesn't matter then."
In many ways, stalking is similar to rape. It is a crime of violence, power and control. Most of all it is a crime of violation and invasion. All too often a second violation comes at the hands of the police and the courts. In addition to dealing with the personal invasion and loss of control a stalker creates , I, as the victim have had to push and fight to be heard. Because I have taken a personal interest in my survival and have pursued the case against Michael McCarty, one DA told me I was being vindictive and didn't "look like a victim but a vengeful woman" and said that I wasn't "hysterical enough" to really be a victim.
The same DA told me that he and McCarty's defense attorney were "good buddies" but I shouldn't worry because "all the gloves come off in the courtroom". Yet, time after time, I sat in the courtroom watching the DA, the defense attorney and the judge laughing together.
In my case, every legal encounter has strengthened and empowered McCarty and further weakened me. He believes himself invincible and he may very well be right. As one police officer candidly told me, "You're not dead yet, so we can't do anything,"
There are two other similarities between stalking and rape cases and they are entwined. One is is evident in people's reactions -- the unspoken assumption that the victim caused the crime. Everyone, and I mean everyone from the police officers who have refused to take police reports to those people who care about me, has asked, "What did you do to make him so angry?" The truth is that I did nothing. I didn't have to do anything. A stalker operates out of his own delusions, for his own, often incomprehensible reasons. Only the threats and the danger are real.
The second similarity is the shame of being a victim. Shame can paralyze you, yet giving in to it does exactly what the stalker wants. Stalkers need to isolate their victims and shame causes the victim to become their own jailer, to enforce their own isolation and separation from those who might help.
Up until now, I have unintentionally colluded with my tormenter. He wants me to disappear and in shame, I close my circle, keeping myself in isolation. But, I've paid another price for going public. People don't know what to say because they can't fix it. They don't want to be reminded of their helplessness and would rather I didn't talk about it. Even if they ask how it's going, they often react with irritation that the situation has not been resolved. Though, I'm sure it's not directed at me, I internalize the irritation and it feeds the shame.
The Police Department, the District Attorney and the Court systems have presented the public with a very believable scenario of being there as advocates for the victim. It doesn't take very many interactions with the system to see that it's all a mirage. And so, when my boss tells me "If the police haven't picked him up, he must not be dangerous," then asks, "If this has been going on for two and a half years, why haven't they picked him up?" implying that I must be exaggerating the situation, I'm left trying to explain the very system that has betrayed me.
I have participated as a programmer in a nonprofit radio station for several years. In September '95, Michael McCarty, another programmer, took exception to the fact that I was appointed Program Director. I knew him by sight and had been warned that he sometimes sounded "irrational". I had also been told he had a history of threatening to burn things and may have been responsible for a major fire several years ago (he allegedly took credit) because he didn't like the owner of the building (a major bay area figure who has since died.) Still, nothing prepared me for what was to become a continuing ordeal.
For the first four months, I didn't pay McCarty much attention. He acted inappropriately at some meetings, called and hung up and few times, and told coworkers that I was "taking over." He also told me at least twice that he would "take care of me" and make sure I was removed from my position. In short, I thought he was exhibiting the typical attitude of a disgruntled male that many women have learned to tolerate at work. I had a good base of support and I was told that he attributed this to my being a "witch" and "using satanic mind control" on my co-workers. I wrote him off as weird but not dangerous.
That changed shortly after 12:30 am the morning after Christmas '95. I received a phone call on my answering machine and a sing song voice delivered a vile, vicious and very scary "poem" that ended with a threat. Although the voice was disguised, I recognized it as McCarty's. I found the call frightening but didn't know what my options were. I did, however have the presence of mind to remove the answering machine tape and mark it with the day and time. Ultimately, the tape was played at a board meeting where all of the board members identified McCarty's voice. After a hearing, McCarty was subsequently removed from the organization "for cause" and lost his radio slot.
At 12:30 am, the morning after McCarty was told of the board's decision, my neighbor's car was firebombed. I'm told that at least one man reported seeing someone matching McCarty's description standing and watching the firefighters as they fought to put the car out. A neighbor relayed that the firefighters said the two apartment buildings (including mine) on either side of the narrow parking lot could easily have been destroyed. Fortunately, the fire burned from the middle of the car and had not yet reached the full gas tank when it was extinguished. I slept through the whole thing.
That afternoon, I received call from a fellow programmer telling me to be careful, that McCarty had called her and told her he was going to kill me if it "took years". With a sense of dread, I realized that he had probably been responsible for my neighbor's car. Because of the way the spaces were set up and certain bumperstickers on her car, it would have been logical to mistake her car for mine.
The following Monday morning, taking information about the fire and my phone call, I went to file a police report. The officer at the desk spent several minutes trying to talk me out of filing a report. It was only after I began to cry in frustration and anger that he finally took the report, but told me nothing would come of it. This was to be the first of many reports the police refused to take.
SJPD Sgt. Dave Wysuph of the domestic violence unit said in an interview when someone realizes he or she has become a stalking victim , the first step is to file a report. "The victim must demand --demand-- a report be taken." He added that even if no investigation occurs, the victim must begin establishing a paper trail.
Unfortunately, while such statements make for good public relations, they only serve to lift the expectations of victims. Wysuph doesn't say what we are to do if the officer refuses to take a report. I have had officers tell me that "We can't violate his civil rights just because you say he did something."
"And at every new incident, the victim needs to call ---and add to their report," Wysuph said. The importance of documentation is critical if the victim hopes to prove that a pattern of conduct exists, thus creating a credible threat. However, because the officers wouldn't take a report, there was never a report to add to and so I am caught in a curious catch -22.
California's penal code defines stalking as "Willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly following or harrassing another person..." and providing "a credible threat." The law further says that a credible threat may be verbal, written or implied by a pattern of conduct or any combination made with the intent and ability to carry out the threat "so as to cause the person who is the target of the threat to reasonably fear for his or her safety or the safety of his or her immediate family."
What the law does not say is that police officers and the court system are the ones who decide if the threat is "credible" or not. As I have discovered in my case, the victim is much better equipped than anyone in the system to determine whether or not the threat is credible. While the police are doing a job, I have an investment in staying alive.
My experience tells me the law needs to be changed and strengthened in the following ways. First and most important, the term "credible threat" must be taken out. Many stalkers never make a threat, but they continue to write letters, telephone and insert themselves into the victim's life. If a victim feels threatened by actions on the part of the stalker and the stalker refuses to stop the actions, that should be enough for the victim to pursue legal means. Many states have deleted the "credible threat" rule.
Many of the crimes, such as terroristic threatening or harassing and annoying phone calls, that create the pattern of stalking are misdemeanors. Under the California law, someone like McCarty could be convicted several times for misdemeanors, yet never be brought to justice for stalking. This should be changed. The first incident might be charged as a misdemeanor but a second charge involving the same pattern should immediately be labeled a felony. McCarty would probably be serving time is this had been the law, since he has a record of threatening and harassing behavior that goes back more than ten years.
The term "electronic means" needs to be added. It was appalling to me that in the heart of Silicon Valley, there should be such ignorance of the power and importance of the internet in stalking cases. There is a clear reluctance to make the jump from phone threats to email threats or posting threats in usenet. To me, it seems so logical. If a person threatens someone in front of people or makes harassing or threatening phone calls, that person can be arrested and convicted as McCarty has been. This same rationale should extend to email (equivalent to phone calls) and posting in conferences or usenet groups (the same as threatening in front of many people). Yet, the only answer I get is, "The law just hasn't caught up with technology."
While I was learning the reality of stalking laws, a couple of board members began to do some research. We had all heard stories of McCarty's previous behavior, so decided to check court records. To our surprise, McCarty had been convicted of making threatening and harassing phone calls and had just ended three years of probation. In addition, court files showed that he had threatened two judges with death and included a note threatening to burn down the court building.
As might be expected in Silicon Valley, McCarty is computer savvy. He began to libel me (and violate the court order) on the internet via email and usenet conferences, many of the posts obviously emanating from his workplace, several during work hours. With the help of friends, I printed out the material and handed it over to the police -- who didn't quite know what to do with it.
In additon to providing authorities with copies of the threats McCarty had posted on the internet, my friends and I continued our research. We discovered a paper trail and identified other victims (including some fairly high profile individuals) dating back to 1985. Thanks to the computer and the telephone, in addition to physically stalking local victims, McCarty has harassed people in Seattle, New York, Colorado, Boston, Los Angeles, and San Diego. In one case, he had stalked a former coworker from California to Boston via the internet.
One local victim had been targeted while the stalker was on probation. Her position was uncannily similar to mine, down to being Program Director and being accused by McCarty of witchcraft and satanism. She provided us with 85 pages of documentation of McCarty's harassment. Yet, despite repeated calls and visits to the local police office, she was unable to get any help.
Last year, several women in Santa Clara County were killed by men who had stalked and harassed them. The police always sound sorry and have a good reason why they couldn't contain the situation. After my experience and hearing from other victims, I find myself wondering how many times those women tried to make a police report and were refused. How many times did the stalker violate the restraining order with the tacit blessing of the local police?
I carry a restraining order which says that Michael McCarty cannot be within 300 yards of me, my home or my workplace. Roughly a month after it had been issued, he showed up for a station board meeting demanding an apology from me. Leaving me in relative safety inside a room, one of the board members called the police. They informed him that I had to personally call for it to be valid. By the time the police officers arrived, he was gone. They said they couldn't do anything because they hadn't seen McCarty with their own eyes. Although they did take a report, when they realized it wasn't a domestic incident, they didn't know what to do with it. They settled for calling it trespassing instead of the restraining order violation it really was.
I had been told that the restraining order meant that McCarty would be arrested if he violated it, so I asked for his arrest. First, the officers told me they had no record of a restraining order on file, even though I had hand delivered it to the Station's warrant section. After delivering another copy to the police station and reiterating my desire to have him arrested, I was told that since no police officers saw him, there wasn't much chance of him being arrested.
And so it has been on several occasions when McCarty has violated the restraining order. There always seems to be a reason why it's not a "real violation". What good is a restraining order? Not much. I've decided there are two reasons to have one. It shows that you ( the victim) perceived a threat and tried to take some action. Secondly, if something does happen to you, the police representatives can issue pious and heartfelt soundbites in which they announce that you had a restraining order. This makes a case for an ongoing pattern of harassment on the part of the stalker. And the police can look like they took some action in the case. Other that that, a restraining order is just another piece of paper in your purse.
My case was eventually assigned to Assistant District Attorney Robert Meier who, at that time, was responsible for Domestic Violence cases. Because my case didn't neatly fit, he seemed to have some difficulty deciding how to proceed. I delivered copies of McCarty's history to Meier along with the names, addresses, phone numbers and statements of at least six other victims, showing that McCarty had a pattern of behavior and was clearly escalating. Not one of those people was ever contacted by the DAs office.
In addition, I had turned over copies of McCarty's libelous statements and threats that had been posted on the internet. Meier made it clear that he did not understand the internet or email and furthermore, he had no interest in understanding it. Despite being in the heart of high technology, I was to discover that most police officers, district attorneys and judges do not have even a basic knowledge of the internet. I found myself repeatedly explaining how it worked and why I thought the printouts were important.
Because the district attorney did not keep me informed and did not answer my phone calls, I had to become proactive, learning how to follow the case, watching for each court date and showing up in court, often with friends and sometimes with other victims.
The first judge to hear the case took the threats seriously and after a particularly vicious internet post, he had McCarty arrested right there in chambers. McCarty served nearly three weeks when he was released and put on electronic monitoring, forced to stay out of the county except for work and forbidden to contact me in any way including the internet.
The case was then assigned to another judge. I remember going to court on several occasions and watching Meier, McCarty's attorney and the judge laughing at the bench. It made me angry and anxious, as if they weren't taking the case seriously. Meanwhile, I was looking over my shoulder, not sleeping and losing weight from the stress. At one point, I tried to get the case assigned to another district attorney.
That's when the Meier told me that I did not look enough like a victim, I wasn't "hysterical enough". I was stunned. I had disrupted my life, suffered from insomnia and stress and was trying to maintain calm for my daughter while I continued to earn a living and pursue justice in this case, yet, according to him, I didn't look like a victim. I felt like a victim, but it seemed to me the hysteria he was looking for was a luxury I couldn't afford. I needed to be practical.
Much later I found out from the district attorney who had convicted McCarty in the earlier case, that he had tried to take my case and was prevented doing so from higher officials in the DA's office. Earlier in the year, I had covered a murder case involving a sheriff's deputy who shot the victim in the back of the head from less than 6" away. Under pressure from an outraged public, DA George Kennedy held the first open grand jury hearing in California to decide whether of not to indict the deputy. The Assistant DA Dale Sanderson proposed an implausible explanation for the shooting which was eagerly adopted by the Grand Jury, who returned with no indictment in less than an hour. I will always wonder if my negative reporting Kennedy and Sanderson during the Soto Mesa hearings had an impact on how my case was handled.
McCarty was assigned to Pretrial Services while waiting for trial. In addition to keeping an eye on him, as I understand it, their job is to make sure the victim is safe and informed. But, when the judge released McCarty from electronic monitoring and allowed him to move back into the county , it was two weeks before I was notified.
Of all the officials involved, the only person who I feel told me the truth was someone at Pretrial Services. She said that while McCarty was clearly exhibiting classic escalating behavior and she thought he was dangerous, I should prepare myself for him to be released. When I asked what else I could do, I was told to keep my records so that I could come forward and testify "when he finally kills someone." And so it proved.
Just before the November 96 trial date, Meier met with McCarty's attorney and the Judge in a private meeting where Meier offered to drop the original charge of terroristic threatening, promised not to charge him with violating the restraining order and allowed McCarty to plead 'no contest" to trespassing. McCarty was allowed to go free for time served (17 days). Meier attempted to console me with the news that McCarty had been placed on two years probation. Knowing about the other victims he pursued during his last probationary period, I found myself uncomforted.
Today, two and a half years later, Michael McCarty is still harassing and stalking me. His behavior has intensified in frequency and he has several times violated the restraining order . He has posted roughly a thousand personal attacks on the internet - attacks that are clearly libelous and violate the court order. He has told at least two people that he intends to kill me "if it takes years." I believe he will try, yet I am not willing to play the victim. I stay alert and I carry protection along with my restraining order. While the restraining order has proven worthless, it does create a paper trail. I know that my future literally depends on thinking like a warrior and not like a victim,
Stalkers come in all shapes and sizes and have different motivations, but they all have one thing in common. They all show a sense of mission, purpose and persistence in their pursuit to destroy their quarry. Despite my fears, I have had to develop the same qualities in my efforts to maintain some control over my life and to stay alive.
In the process, I have been accused of being "too angry" and of "making this personal." It is personal and I am angry. I am angry that the system has more concern for McCarty's civil rights than they do for my right to be left alone. I am angry that police officers, district attorneys and judges all work to empower him and weaken me. Most of all I am angry that, until Michael McCarty is stopped, I am at risk in a scenario that I have no control over. My survival is personal and I am angry.